I’ve recently gone through a break-up. There’s nothing worse than when you’re madly in love and the one that captivates your attention gets stripped away from you. Or even worse, when you realize that the one you love is completely toxic to your well-being and you have to be the one to initiate the break-up. Seriously, it hurts.

You feel like laying in bed all day. You feel like crawling in a black hole and not answering your phone. You feel like eating a pint of ice cream. You feel like screaming, punching something, and crying all at once. And all you wanna do is call your ex and say, come over. I just need to feel you, hold you, taste you.

And sometimes, you do all these things.

This has been life for the last eight days.

I have an ex. And my ex is cigarettes.

Its rough. Its sucks sometimes. Some days are good. And others not so good. I’ve literally gone through a break-up.

I have to think about where my ex is going to be, when I will be tempted to hold him again and when I will be tempted to kiss him. I have to think about what mutual friends we have and make sure he’s not around if we hang out. I have to be careful (especially when I’m I’m certain environments). I have to think about what I will say if he tries to get me back. I have to prepare for the times when I will see him and how I will avoid picking him right back up.

He was the one I talked to immediately when I had a bad day. He kissed me when I was crying and helped me stop crying. He held me and I held him when I wanted to yell. His cologne soothed me when I was stressed. One taste, one inhale of his smell intoxicated me and calmed me down. He was there on the good days too. I loved taking drives with him with the windows down and the music turned up. I loved the way he kissed me and held me in the summer time especially. He was a fabulous boyfriend.

But he was toxic. With every soothing inhale and every romantic kiss he was actually killing me. And the worst part was, I knew it. And it took me four years to finally stand up and tell him NO.

But here I am. Eight days later. Still alive. Still breathing. And my heart is still beating. I’m not dead. I am alive.

I may have puffy eyes, a fever, congestion, and not be getting any sleep (even though I’ve tried all the sleeping remedies the world has to offer). But hey, you know what? Its gonna be okay. I WILL get through this. I WILL survive. and I will move on to something better and something that isn’t killing me.

The only thing that doesn’t feel so fantastic are the withdrawals and symptoms. At this point, its hard for me to tell what is withdrawals and what is symptoms from the Chantix, but either way its been pretty rough. {Caution from here on out…I am going to be blatantly honest about my symptoms. Know that I’m only doing this because I want to help other people using Chantix or thinking about quitting know what’s coming. Sorry for the TMI, but if you don’t want to read it, skip down to the next paragraph.} The first few days on Chantix, I had virtually no symptoms. After day 3 of being on it (when my prescription increased to two pills a day) I notice I had trouble with falling asleep and also I had more vivid dreams (no nightmares though). I also noticed some constipation. On my quit day (when my prescription increased again) I noticed headache, gas, diarrhea, trouble staying asleep, & light headedness. I talked to my Doctor and her recommendation was take something for the headache and take it a bit easy. I know the first 3 days are the worst in terms of withdrawal symptoms, so I didn’t expect it to be a walk in the park. But I didn’t think about the symptoms from the medication increase being added to those. I want everyone to know, I’m NOT quitting Chantix, and only have good things to say about it. I have only craved a cigarette after I eat! Thats 3 times a day! I expected to be craving way more than that, but luckily the medication is doing its job.

I wanted to share a very inspiring video with you today. We should be telling ourselves theses truths each day. Like I mentioned in my post yesterday, positive thinking can go a very very long way. So let me share this video with you.

This video comes from the movie The Secret. I know a lot of people have criticized this film because it is so “new agey” But the truth is, it is truth. The same concepts from this movie lie in our Word of God. So I encourage you to watch the video, share it with friends, and (just like I am doing) watching this when I may feel discouraged.

Today is one of those days that I am struggling just to get through. I have this huge to-do list in front of me and I am checking this off the list, but at the same time overwhelmed by it. Let me remind you and myself, that not only are ALL things possible with God and all of the wisdom, self-control, motivation, and success we need lies inside every since one of us because the Holy Spirit is resting inside us.

Hope your enjoy the video! And after your finished reading, ready this to yourself:

The Optimist Creed

I promise myself to be so strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind.

I promise myself to talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person I meet.

I promise myself to make all my friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.

I promise myself to look at the sunny side of everything and make my optimism come true.

I promise myself to think only of the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best.

I promise myself to be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as I am about my own.

I promise to forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

I promise myself to wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature I meet a smile.

I promise to give so much time to the improvement of myself that I have no time to criticize others.

I promise to be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

I promise myself to think well of myself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud word, but in great deeds.

I promise myself to live in the faith that the world is on my side, so long as I am true to the best that is in me.

Ahhhhh. I can actually breathe today.

Yup. I’m officially SMOKE FREE!

I started this day out by waking up and IMMEDIATELY getting on my knees (literally – not metaphorically) and asking the Holy Spirit to guard my thoughts and mind; to give me peace about quitting; to give me self-control; to give me patience (so in moments of craving, I can be patient and know that the moment will soon pass); and to give me BREATH. I also THANKED God, for allowing me to be smoke free, and allowing me to be successful already. Mark 11:24 says, “Therefore, I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe you have already received it, and it will be yours.” NIV. So I started my day out believing that I was already successful and not dependent on cigarettes.

Surprisingly, I’ve been doing extremely well. Well, I shouldn’t say surprisingly. I knew that the Holy Spirit has been and is with me today and has already answered my prayers.

But Last night, I freaked out. I didn’t know what was awaiting me after I woke up this morning. I was trying my hardest to keep my thoughts positive, but my mind kept going to worst case scenario. “What if its too much for me to handle? What if I lash out on someone? What do I do if the craving is just too strong? What will it be like?” I had no idea what was awaiting me. Thankfully, last night, while dealing with all of this, I went outside with my roommate to have my final cigarette. She asked me how I was feeling and I began to tell her about my fears, and then I stopped myself. I told her I only wanted to talk about the positive things about quitting. So we did. I went on and on about why I knew I’d be successful, why it truly IS different this time. She encouraged me and told me that she was sure I was going to be okay. I said these words to her that completely struck me:

“I don’t want something smaller than me ruling my life; I want something BIGGER than me ruling my life.”

I had no idea that that’s what I really wanted, let alone was able to identify. It struck me. This is essentially what the underlying issue is to quitting. I’m sick of having tiny substances, other people, or circumstances ruling my life and my mind.

I also realized that another underlying lesson I’m learning is, the power of thoughts and words. If I allow myself to think negative thoughts about life, people, or circumstances – thats exactly what I’m going to get – a negative life, negative people, and negative circumstances. If I ask myself, “Why is quitting SO hard?” I am only going to get answer to why it is so hard. BUT (here’s the exciting part) if I speak and think in positive words about life, people, and circumstances – I am ONLY going to get a positive life, positive people, and positive circumstances. And If I ask myself, “What possibilities lie in this person or circumstance?” I am going to get an incredible array of positive possibilities!

The quote below is something that I have heard both my parents say. My dad, while I was hysterically crying saying, “It is just so hard, Dad!”, said to me once, “I don’t like that word. Your words shape your reality, Marissa. So rather than looking at this as a ‘hard’ situation, ask what possibilities God has for you here, and what he is asking of YOU in this situation.” I was dumbfounded. In that moment I realized the impact of the things I tell myself.

I am truly learning to breathe. To inhale and exhale. To stop and be thankful. To look at quitting smoking as an opportunity and also to look for the possibilities (rather than reasons quitting smoking feels like a dead end – key word feels, because it isn’t a reality).

“Words shape our reality.”

I’m not gonna lie. This totally sucks.

I’m starting to get that anxious, tight feeling in my stomach. Its the same feeling I felt when I spoke the words “I’m ready to quit,” to my doctor almost two weeks ago. This freaking blows.

I find myself yesterday and today smoking even when I don’t want  a cigarette. Knowing that each cigarette I smoke, each inhale I take, each exhale I take is one closer to my last, and it somehow makes it that much more appealing.

I don’t want to sit here and sugar coat it and tell you that I am tremendously ecstatic about quitting. Because today, friends, I am not. Frankly, I’m pretty pissed. Here’s a little glimpse into what my thoughts are today:

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Devilish Side: “This freaking sucks. I like smoking. Why do I have to give up something I like?”

Angelic Side: “Because you’ll get cancer. And die.”

Devilish Side: “No I won’t. I’m so young. My body will have time to completely heal itself.”

Angelic Side: “Marissa. You’re crazy. You CHOSE to quit. REMEMBER?”

Devilish Side: “I know, I know. But can’t I choose NOT to?”

Angelic Side: “Sure, you can. But remember why you chose to quit in the first place. You wanted to not BE a smoker. You want to wear the fragrance of Christ. You want to be healthy. You actually HATE smoking. And you ultimately love yourself too much to be killing yourself.”

Devilish Side: “Ugh. This is so annoying. Fine. I guess I’ll quit. BUT I am going to now go light up a cigarette and enjoy it while I can, because this conversation was quite stressful.”

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So thats pretty much how I feel today. Annoyed because I know I’m making a wise decision. Ha! Never thought I’d say that.

But here’s the thing. While reading through my Bible last night I found something pretty neat I wrote in it a while ago:

INHALE: “But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek him.” Hebrews 11:6 NKJV

EXHALE: “If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:8-9 NKJV

I thought that was PRETTY relevant. And pretty incredible that I had written next to both of those verses the words INHALE and EXHALE.

I’d like to end of this note. That even as mad, annoyed, and angry  as I have been today, the second I open my Bible, the second I sit and inhale and exhale, and bask in His presence and listen to His Voice, I am instantly assured – not only that am I doing the right thing, but that I CAN get through this with His help.

I am learning to trust HIM (Isaiah 26:3 and Proverbs 3:5-6). I am learning to give thanks, EVEN in my struggles (Philippians 4:6). And I am learning to follow Him (John 21:22). And if you go through these verses and actually read what they say, the conclusion to doing all of these things – trusting, thankfulness, and following – is PEACE and DIRECTION.

Pretty awesome, huh?

“Now to Him who is ABLE to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us.” ~Ephesians 3:20

Why is it that when we’re told that we can’t have something, we revert to the six year old inside and want it that much more?

I’ve realized for my first few days on Chantix that I tend to think about smoking less, but my desire to smoke has only increased. And when I ask myself, “Why are you going to smoke?” my answer is, “Why? Because I CAN.”

I feel like I have become a rebellious kid. I know that I have to quit in 3 days. So I am smoking ‘while I can’.

I find this to be true also outside my quitting smoking realm. In my everyday life, if someone says to be “Stop that.” “You can’t do that.” or “Your going to have to stop doing that in ___ days.” I want to do it THAT much more. But, why?

I can only go back to Eve. She, like me, did something she was told not to do. She ate the forbidden fruit, and thus suffered immense consequences (that we all suffer every day).

I think for me smoking started out as an act of rebellion. I remember being a little kid, around 6 or 7, and every time I went to dance class my mom would take us to this little corner store to get a slushie and some candy. For some reason, I always got a coke and cherry slushie and candy cigarettes. I can remember vividly my mom saying to me, “Don’t hold it like a cigarette. If I see you do it, you can’t get them anymore.” But secretly, in the back seat, out of my mom’s sight, I held it like a cigarette. I have no idea why, but it made me feel ‘cool’ and ‘old’. She also told me not to do this with pretzel sticks. But of course, out of her sight, I did.

Now, let me make this clear, I don’t blame my mother for my addiction WHAT-so-ever. But I do blame myself for not listening to her.

The first time my mom caught me smoking a cigarette, I was 14 years old. I lied to her and told her I hadn’t been smoking. But when she told me that the guy who offered me a cigarette called her and told her I took it, I knew I was screwed. There was no point in defending myself, she knew the truth. But I STILL rebelled.

What still amazes me today, is how openly and lovingly my mom receives me. I rebelled and rebelled and rebelled, yet she STILL openly accepts me as her own.

I remember when my dad found out I smoked. And of course, I lied. I told him, “No, Dad, its not me. Its all my friends.” But I’m sure he knew. Finally, somehow, I told my parents…or really, I think they knew and it just become understand. I got a lot of grief for it, but I will always remember one thing my dad said to be after trying to quit and not being successful, he said, “Whether you smoke or not, doesn’t change how I love you. I love and support you just the same.” That was HUGE to me.

I think, honestly, its my parents who have inspired me to quit. Not because they pushed me and pushed me, but because they loved ME. I think one of the biggest lesson I’ve learned from my parents is, “You don’t have to support what someone is doing, but you can support the person.”

What is incredible to me, is that not only do my parents love and support me for being ME, but my Ultimate Father does. He isn’t looking at me thinking, “You’re a smoker, therefore I can’t love you the same.” But instead says, “You’re a smoker, and that couldn’t possibly change my love for you.”

Sure, this is kind of an overdone topic in the Christian realm, but the truth is, it is a TRUTH that we need to be reminded of EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I think that so many times, we let our sins and struggles define us, that we forgot what should define us in the first place. Its not my smoking that should be defining me, but His love for me.

Questions: What has someone told you can’t do (or need to stop doing) that made you want to do it even more? How have you rebelled? What lies have you believed that people have told you about your struggle? How have you let your struggle (or sin) define you?

I believe that there are a few key steps to over coming a stuggle:

1. Admit you have a struggle (problem, addiction, etc.) – admit it to yourself and others.
2. Get accountability – seek someone who will encourage you to succeed, but someone who you feel comfortable enough with that you can admit when you slip up or when you feel the urge to slip up.
3. Get a plan – create a plan that will help ensure that you are successful (i.e. plan for the worst!) and don’t forget to STICK TO THE PLAN!

In the past when quitting, I didn’t do any of this. Sure, I tried cold turkey, patches, gum. But that wasn’t a plan. Those were substitutes for an underlying problem. When I tried cold turkey, I lasted all of 3 days. When I tried the patches, I lasted all of 2 months (they made me sick to my stomach and light headed). When I tried the gum, I lasted from the time I put in my mouth, until the 15 seconds later when I spit it out. What I was lacking (among much else) was a plan to quit.

This time around, I have a plan.

I met with my doctor this last Friday (one week ago from today). I told my past experience with quitting, and told her my concerns for quitting this time around. How bad would the cravings get? Will I EVER be able to have a cigarette again in my life (or am I like an alcoholic who can never drink)? Will I be able to sleep after I quit? Will I become depressed? What medication was out there? Should I try cold turkey? What was the best way for me to succeed? Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera!

She told me this: “Don’t worry about the ‘What if’s’ or ‘Will I’s’ but ASSUME that you WILL be successful.”

I was dumbfounded. WHAT!?! Don’t worry and just assume for the best? She said “Yes.”

She also told me: “Assume the best, but plan for the worst.” She said to be concious of when I smoke the most and why and figure out a plan of what to when I want a cigarette at those times. She gave me some examples: call a friend, take a walk, take a shower, suck on a piece of candy, etc. (In my head at this point, I was thinking “Yeah right, and I’ll become a prune because I’m showering so much or addicted to candy.”) I was very skeptical. But she assured me, “You WILL be successful this time.”

So here’s my plan:

• I am officially quitting this Wednesday, March 3rd.
• I have started the medication CHANTIX and will remain on it for 6 months (this may seem like a lot but my doctor said that she has had the most long-term success with patients who have been on it for this period of time). Chantix is a quitting smoking drug that contains no nicotine (unlike most other quitting drugs). It works by blocking the nicotine receptors (which release dopamine) in the brain so that nicotine is no longer being received by the brain and thus taking away the mentality that smoking = happiness. It helps releases  dopamine so that you are able to feel the “happiness” without the cigarettes and thus disconnecting the two. The way the drug works it that you begin taking it one week before your quit date. You are allowed to smoke for the first week while on the medication, and one your quit date – you quit. There is still the normal cravings and all the frustrations of quitting, but with a bit of ease. I decided to take Chantix, because I recognize that I couldn’t quit alone. I realized that I was not strong enough to do it all by myself and needed some kind of physical help.
• I will be blogging each day. This is to keep me accountable and to give me a sense of purpose. Without this kind of weight on my shoulders, I know that I would be more prone to “slip up”. But since I have all of you counting on me, encouraging me, and keeping me accountable, I will be less likely to take a cigarette from a friend (because then I will have to openly admit I screwed up).
• In times of struggle, I plan to say my “mantra” which is: “For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.” ~Romans 8:18 (NKJV). I also plan to call a friend (or my doctor) and talk through it. And I plan to pop a mint if I need one.
• IF I slip up, I plan to allow myself grace – as does my Father in Heaven. Forgive myself, and get right back on the horse. I will not allow myself to get discouraged, angry at myself, blame others or certain circumstances for my slip up, and I will make sure to MOVE FORWARD.

So there you have it. That’s my plan and I’m sticking to it.

If you are an ex-smoker, what was your plan in quitting? If you smoke, do you plan to quit and how? If you’re not a smoker, what is your struggle? Do you plan to quit and how? What do you believe is the best way to overcome an addiction or struggle?

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will guide you with My eye.”
~Psalm 32:8 (NKJV)

My goal is this entry is to tell you my reasons. My reason of why I smoke. And my reasons to quit. So lets get going!

Reasons Why I Smoke:

• I like cigarettes. I do. I said it. I love the way it feels to hold a cigarette. I love the way it smells. I love the way it tastes. I love the way the smoke drifts in and out of my mouth. I love the way it breaks up periods of time. I love that when I’m stressed, I know exactly what to do. And I love the way it makes me get outside. Most people would say smoking is disgusting – but when you’re a smoker…you love it.
• I do it out of habit. I have certain times in the day where I am guaranteed a cigarette: between classes, when I write, and when I drive. For me, it breaks up the day. I go to class, I have a cigarette, I go to class, I walk home and have a cigarette, I do my homework and have a cigarette, I drive, I have a cigarette. Its like an alarm clock that rather than saying, “Its 1 pm” it says, “You just finished Western Humanities class, time for a cigarette.”
• I crave smoking. The only way I can describe this feeling is that when you crave a cigarette, it feels like you have a broken heart. You are aching, yearning, desiring something. And for me…that’s a cigarette. I can feel it in my chest, in my head, and in my throat (its it a bit like Edward’s, from Twilight, desire for Bella’s blood. Scary I know. Apparently now I’m not only an addict, but a vampire.)

Reasons Why I’m Quitting:

• I hate smoking. I hate that I have to go outside every time I have one. I have that I have to get out in the 27 degree weather and freeze my butt off (no pun intended) just to smoke. I hate smoking alone and feeling awkward (in this scenario I usually call a friend – and sometimes just act like I’m on the phone). I hate that, after smoking, I have to walk into class (or anywhere for that matter) and smell like crap. I hate that I constantly taste cigarettes in my mouth. I just HATE smoking.
• I want to be free. This addiction (like most) completely encompasses and owns you. Every moment throughout the day is bombarded by thoughts like: “When will I get my next cigarette?” “Is it time for a cigarette?” “UGH! This is so stressful! I’m gonna go smoke.” “Should I have a cigarette now or later? I’ll go with now.” “Ugh. No one here smokes. Guess I’ll be going outside alone. I hate how this makes me look.” I want to be set free from this. I want to be in control of who I am. No. I want GOD to be in control on who I am.
• I want to be a Woman of God who smells like the fragrance of Christ. I want my life to directly reflect on the person of Christ. I want to be completely transparent, honest, vulnerable, full of joy, and full of HIS Spirit.

So there you have it. Now you can better understand where I’m at and why I’m deciding to quit smoking. You understand why I like it and why I hate it. So when I blog on here (in a few weeks or maybe days) about how I’m craving like no body’s business…you can remind me of WHY I chose to quit in the first place.

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There are a few things that were brought up in your comments that I would like to take a second to address:

1. My honesty and vulnerability – like I stated in some of my replies to your comments, I understand that this is a huge reality that I am facing. Its definitely not easy to come out about something that our culture is not easy on and especially our Christian culture. I realize that I may be judged (luckly you have been nothing but gracious and encouraging to me) and looked down upon for being a smoker, but I want to be transparent. I realize that it may be a risk for me to be so transparent with people I have never even met or seen, but it is incredibly important to me. Although it wasn’t easy (took me years to come out of the closet), I think of it as being a necessity in my journey to quit (like I said Step 1 is recognizing where you are wrong).
2. Smoking as a sin – I’d like to say that off the bat, I don’t necessarily believe that smoking is a sin. Although, when I explore this idea further, I realize FOR ME it has become a sin. In my eyes, a sin is something that separates you from God and takes ownership over you. Smoking definitely reigned my life. My goal in quitting is to allow God to take FULL reign over my life without any interferences.
3. Me admitting to my addiction used as a tool and encouragement for others – I am completely humbled by this first of all. The number one reason I am blogging about this is (selfishly) as a tool for me to log my journey. Secondly, to become more of a transparent person. I can only hope that my journey will encourage others. So thank you for this humbling comment.

So here’s mine: I’m a smoker. Yes, you heard me right. I’m a smoker. I have been for a little over four years. I’ve tried quitting once or twice without much success (I think I lasted about 2 days one time, and the other about 4 weeks). I never wanted to be a smoke (no one ever does) and I definitely didn’t plan on it (once again, no one ever does). I started smoking in my early teens and started as a “Social Smoker”. I only smoked while around friends who were also smoking. Then one thing led to another and before I knew it I was buying cigarettes for myself. Then eventually, I freaked out when I didn’t have cigarettes on me. And before I knew it, I was an addict. And still am.

I’m telling you this for a couple reasons:

• I need to get it off my chest (I’m trying to be a transparent person – both in my everyday life and on cyberspace).
• I am quitting smoking and will be blogging about this (hopefully) every day along my journey.

I believe the first step to any kind of change is admitting where you are wrong. I also believe that the second step is getting accountability. So there you have it: You (along with friends, family, and getquit.com) are my accountability. Like I said earlier, I will be writing every day along this journey to hopefully track my success and also use blogging as an outlet. All that to say, I am inviting you to be on this journey with me.

What you can expect:

• Reasons why I smoke.
• My plan to quit.
• Commentary on the medication I am taking.
• A blog every day about where I am in my journey, what struggles I’m facing, and what lessons I’m learning.
• Spiritual applications about my struggles and lessons.

SO LETS GET STARTED….

Here’s how our Christmas happened: woke up at 9:30, hung around and poured mimosa’s at 10 (of course its 5 o’clock somewhere!), opened presesnts, poured the “Nap milk” (as my niece Felicity (6) called it (aka spiked egg nog…I thought the nick name was more than appropriate), took dog on walk, dog ran off, chased dog for 30 mins, fell face first into mud, caught dog, ate breakfast, washed dishes. Whew is that only until noon!

After that we sat around enjoyed each other’s company and played with our new “toys”. After my oldest sister Megan and I started cooking. We cooked popovers (Barefoot Contessa’s recipe), pork loin with cranberry sauce (Poineer Woman style), beef tenderloin (Barefoot Contessa style), baked asparagus, J. Alexander’s style mac n’ cheese , and a strawberry salad with homemade vinaigrette. It was delectable to say the least. I learned so much about cooking it was amazing.

After that we drank some more nap milk, and well to say the least, I’m over due on my “nap” by a few hours.

I am more grateful than ever this year. I am surrounded by such an amazing family and incredible friends I can hardly stand it. I feel like it has been a excited an eventful year (with me moving and going to college) and I couldn’t ask for anything more than I have.

But….I did get a few incredible gifts:

The Food Lovers Companion Deluxe Edition

The French Laundry by Thomas Keller

I completely recommend both of these books. They are seriously informational and seriously gorgeous books!

Well good tidings and Merry Christmas!

Question: How was your Christmas? What did you give or receive as gifts? Please share your recipes of your favorite holiday dishes!