“Some people think that it’s holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it’s letting go.”
I’ve recently gone through a break-up. There’s nothing worse than when you’re madly in love and the one that captivates your attention gets stripped away from you. Or even worse, when you realize that the one you love is completely toxic to your well-being and you have to be the one to initiate the break-up. Seriously, it hurts.
You feel like laying in bed all day. You feel like crawling in a black hole and not answering your phone. You feel like eating a pint of ice cream. You feel like screaming, punching something, and crying all at once. And all you wanna do is call your ex and say, come over. I just need to feel you, hold you, taste you.
And sometimes, you do all these things.
This has been life for the last eight days.
I have an ex. And my ex is cigarettes.
Its rough. Its sucks sometimes. Some days are good. And others not so good. I’ve literally gone through a break-up.
I have to think about where my ex is going to be, when I will be tempted to hold him again and when I will be tempted to kiss him. I have to think about what mutual friends we have and make sure he’s not around if we hang out. I have to be careful (especially when I’m I’m certain environments). I have to think about what I will say if he tries to get me back. I have to prepare for the times when I will see him and how I will avoid picking him right back up.
He was the one I talked to immediately when I had a bad day. He kissed me when I was crying and helped me stop crying. He held me and I held him when I wanted to yell. His cologne soothed me when I was stressed. One taste, one inhale of his smell intoxicated me and calmed me down. He was there on the good days too. I loved taking drives with him with the windows down and the music turned up. I loved the way he kissed me and held me in the summer time especially. He was a fabulous boyfriend.
But he was toxic. With every soothing inhale and every romantic kiss he was actually killing me. And the worst part was, I knew it. And it took me four years to finally stand up and tell him NO.
But here I am. Eight days later. Still alive. Still breathing. And my heart is still beating. I’m not dead. I am alive.
I may have puffy eyes, a fever, congestion, and not be getting any sleep (even though I’ve tried all the sleeping remedies the world has to offer). But hey, you know what? Its gonna be okay. I WILL get through this. I WILL survive. and I will move on to something better and something that isn’t killing me.
Great analogy girl! I think we need to get you a new boyfriend. I hear summer, exercise, and clear skies are all single. I went ahead and gave summer your number. Hope you don’t mind.
Jordan! Thanks and yeah I’ve kinda been eyeing Summer anyways so I’m excited to when he’ll call. Thanks
Absolutely Brilliant!
Marissa
I am thrilled for you.. I remember when I quit.. my boys were still in high school and my son came home and saw me crying. He said “what’s wrong Mom” and I said “I just lost my best friend” He thought it was a dear friend who had cancer. And I had to tell him how quitting smoking caused some grieving along with the withdraw. PTL my dear friend survived her cancer. And the cigarettes were gone and buried!!
Love you. praying daily.
Beautifully written! A perfect comparison.
Great analogy. Brilliant. I am so proud of your progress—and your creativity!
God bless! As you draw from your gifts and talents, to be all you can be, you’ll move with new confidence and purpose.
I expected a different story. Another life challenge. I don’t know why. This is perfect.
“A little child shall lead them’. You’re hardly a little child, Marissa, but when I think of all the ways you’re ‘leading’ me, I think of this verse. You’re being honest, courageous, insightful, determined, transparent and real. It makes me love you all the more. I see you. And I’m continuing to pray that what you’ve given up on the outside, will be regained one hundred fold on the inside.
Beautifully written
Beautiful, witty, and oh so true!
Great post and congrats on taking a stand!
Jordan had an excellent idea. You need a new boyfriend.
Yeah, even now, 6 years later, sometimes I see someone light up and I get that nostalgic feeling. But I have a firmly imprinted message on my brain. It says “If you smoke a cigarette today, you will have thrown away the last 6 years.”
Keep it up, Marissa. We all got your back.
love the way you wrote this! so proud of you for attempting it and making it to day 8…you can do it!
Our pastor gave us a simple formula (with profound implications) for dealing with the junk in our lives:
1) Face it
2) Name it
3) Renounce it
4) Replace it
I would venture to say that, based upon what you’ve written, you are at stage three, and as Jordan indicated above it’s time to “get you a new boyfriend.”
Very clever! I’ve been broken up from the same ex for 8 years. I still miss her sometimes… but she was toxic. And I let her go for good!
Great post, praying for you as you continue the separation and divorce! You have made the right choice! Props!
Congrats! That’s so great!
Persevere! Find that perfect companion that brings out the best in you, that helps you blossom into fullness of life and purpose as well as accepts the growth your talents bring to the relationship.
And … keep writing!
Thanks for your encouragement Rhonda! I definitely am needing it!
Marissa,
My name is Joe and I will be cigarette free for two years in exactly 14 days.
I am 36 years old and this is my third attempt at quitting for good and this is also the longest I have ever managed. This is also the best I have ever felt about it. I agree with Robert and Jordan, don’t throw away the last 8 days, they are the toughest. Ignore the negative people, create a support structure, reward yourself with each passing day.
When the urge hits, read about the ills of smoking.
I used the Commit lozenge for 4 months before I quit Nicotine, don’t be ashamed or feel like less of a person to try the aids on the market. You are in a war, use every weapon at your disposal, just don’t “USE” cigarettes.
You can do this.
Good luck and MTFBWY!
Great post, Marissa.
CONGRATS Marissa,
I’m so very proud of you and thankful to God that we’ll have you around to share more insightful writings
Be aware of those things that might try to become replacements (i.e., food and other hand/mouth coordinates).
HURAY!!!!
Thanks to dad for passing that along. What a great way to describe the struggle!
“He” will be a thing of the past that you rarely think about and when you do, you will be so glad you gave him the boot. Again, I know what I’m talkin’ about, here!!! Hang on girl. Praying for you and thanking God for His work in you through and through you, as you walk this path.
Debbie
Wow, thank you for this. (I found it via your dad’s Twitter.) I’m sending this to my boyfriend. He’s been trying to quit for many years and I guess I didn’t really understand til now what a strong connection and lure those cigarettes have. I do know what it feels like to lose someone though, and if quitting is anything like that I can see why he can’t let go!
Jeannie,
I’m beginning to find that my blog has Been helping some people who have loved ones who are thinking about quitting. Most people who don’t smoke typically don’t understand how truly hard it is. The main thing I’m learning is that the quitting is not nearly has hard as the deciding to quit part is. It truly has to happen when your ready (much like a break-up). Even though we know a relationship is bad for us, it doesn’t mean we’ll necessarily end it. The whole idea of “bad love is better than no love.” Same goes for smoking – “even though it’s killing me, it’s better than not smoking.” so give some grace and pray for him. If he says he wants to quit, he’s just not ready – trust that one day he will be.
I don’t know you (which, of course, means you don’t know me) but your father’s tweet led me to this post. I am inspired and moved by your transparency and your courage. Please add me to the list of people who will be in the stands, cheering you on and praying for continued determination and success.
Thanks Tim! I am in complete awe and how many people are cheering for me! I never thought I’d be this blessed by support! Thanks for your encouragement.
wow that’s agood post for the first few seconds i really thought you were talking about a human being…good luck hun we are here for ya
Simply brilliant!
I ditched a wicked temptress of my own about five years ago. We knew it wouldn’t work out. In fact we tried to split up many times before, but I would weaken to her seductress offerings. I’m so happy I finally got to a place of having more value for myself than that self-destructive relationship.
Bravo!
Angus, I bet you both of our exes are either dating each other or by now have found new people to date. I say we do the same and MOVE ON! way to go on quitting!
Your boyfriend is a control freak. I don’t think he cared very much for you at all. Did he mooch money from you? Often? Did he have a job? Where was he going in life? Was he thoughtful of you? Was there this respectable balance of power in the relationship?
You might look to see if he led a double life. There are some friends of mine who investigate guys like this who could assist you in this. They work at the cancer ward and dress in white long coats. They will track your guy down pretty fast.
You might go for counseling down to your local natural food store and talk with a knowledgeable clerk in the supplement section to help replace what you need. You might be pleasantly surprised how often they assist people breaking up from your type of guy.
This fine day,
Jim in Coffeetown
Jim, you’re totally on the money here. He’s a bit of a control freak and an attention hog. Not to mention a mooch. So glad he’s a goner!
Can’t wait to start to find a new one who is actually good for me! Ha! What a concept!
I admire your courage and willingness to share your struggle. I’m sure you know it is helping other people too. Wishing you the best, one day at a time.
Fantastic! I gave up smoking on Valentines day! .. have now come off patches and going cold turkey!
Great piece of writing!
This is great.
You’re so strong and I’m so proud of the progress you ARE making. It may not feel like it but each day you are getting stronger! Sorry I’m not there to watch movies and eat chocolate with after we complain about the dreaded ex. If anyone can do this it’s YOU!
Before you know it, you’ll be telling me about your very first “glad moment” and it will feel SOOO good!
Psalm 3:3-6
. You are inspiring and encouraging so many already, I can’t wait to see what God is doing through this.
But You, O LORD, are a shield for me, My glory and the One who lifts up my head. I cried to the LORD with my voice, And He heard me from His holy hill. I lay down and slept; I awoke, for the LORD sustained me. I will not be afraid of ten thousands of ex-boyfriends. Who have set themselves against me all around.
I love you and I’m praying you start feeling better.
Kayla, this is fabulous encouragement! I hantavirus thought about the “glad moments” but that sounds like a good blog post to me. Love it!
Thanks so much for your encouragement. Youre fabulous!
Great analogy! Very well written. It’s important to claim your new identity. You are a Non-Smoker. This is vitally important. How you see yourself does largely determine your outcome. You are no longer a Smoker who is trying to quit. You are a Non-smoker who doesn’t smoke any more. Even if you make a mistake, it doesn’t change your identity. You are a Non-smoker who made a mistake, but ultimately when the chips are down, that is who you are, and who you always will be. Remember who you are, and that God’s strength is made perfect in our weakness. Apart from Him we can do nothing, but in Him all things are possible. Congratulations on your bravery and your accomplishment! Well done!
Marissa,
Good for you! My aunt–who smoked every single day for over 42 years!–stopped OVERNIGHT using an electronic cigarette, which allows you to smoke water vapor without any nicotine or with tiny amounts of nicotine. For her, nic wasn’t the addiction, since her lungs were so fried she couldn’t actually inhale. But nic’s not the problem…it’s the tar that kills. And the e-cig gives you the oral ‘fix’ so many smokers need, without the tar.
Within a week she could smell again, taste again, and felt decades of depression lifting. Now, she wants to shout it from the rooftops to anyone struggling like she did. It may not be a permanent solution, but it might be a way to transition away from the real thing.
Marissa, a gentleman has been standing in the shadows just waiting for you to kick the bum out. Now he’s smiling a huge grin and is delighted for you! Run to his arms and let him give you a big hug because you’ve chosen life. And, even better, everytime the thought of the bum rises up, replace his image with this gentleman’s happy face. This gentleman–Jesus Christ. And, he is proud of you.
Just a suggestion–have you ever used a eye mask when you sleep? I used to have insomnia until I began wearing one–now I sleep well. Just a thought.
Hi, have you got friends who are still smoking? How do they react to your strong desire to say ‘Good by’ to the Toxic friend? Can you encourage others to do same? Have you contacted the local newspaper and share your story.
I am so happy for your progress. Never give up!
Congrats to your achievement.
Be blessed and confident
My sister had the worst time trying to quit smoking. I told her about your blog and she said it all came rushing back to her! lol
What a great post! (You write very well.) I admire you for your commitment to quit. Congratulations.