“If there is no struggle, there is no progress.” ~Frederick Douglass
I’m not gonna lie. This totally sucks.
I’m starting to get that anxious, tight feeling in my stomach. Its the same feeling I felt when I spoke the words “I’m ready to quit,” to my doctor almost two weeks ago. This freaking blows.
I find myself yesterday and today smoking even when I don’t want a cigarette. Knowing that each cigarette I smoke, each inhale I take, each exhale I take is one closer to my last, and it somehow makes it that much more appealing.
I don’t want to sit here and sugar coat it and tell you that I am tremendously ecstatic about quitting. Because today, friends, I am not. Frankly, I’m pretty pissed. Here’s a little glimpse into what my thoughts are today:
_________________________________________
Devilish Side: “This freaking sucks. I like smoking. Why do I have to give up something I like?”
Angelic Side: “Because you’ll get cancer. And die.”
Devilish Side: “No I won’t. I’m so young. My body will have time to completely heal itself.”
Angelic Side: “Marissa. You’re crazy. You CHOSE to quit. REMEMBER?”
Devilish Side: “I know, I know. But can’t I choose NOT to?”
Angelic Side: “Sure, you can. But remember why you chose to quit in the first place. You wanted to not BE a smoker. You want to wear the fragrance of Christ. You want to be healthy. You actually HATE smoking. And you ultimately love yourself too much to be killing yourself.”
Devilish Side: “Ugh. This is so annoying. Fine. I guess I’ll quit. BUT I am going to now go light up a cigarette and enjoy it while I can, because this conversation was quite stressful.”
_________________________________________
So thats pretty much how I feel today. Annoyed because I know I’m making a wise decision. Ha! Never thought I’d say that.
But here’s the thing. While reading through my Bible last night I found something pretty neat I wrote in it a while ago:
INHALE: “But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek him.” Hebrews 11:6 NKJV
EXHALE: “If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:8-9 NKJV
I thought that was PRETTY relevant. And pretty incredible that I had written next to both of those verses the words INHALE and EXHALE.
I’d like to end of this note. That even as mad, annoyed, and angry as I have been today, the second I open my Bible, the second I sit and inhale and exhale, and bask in His presence and listen to His Voice, I am instantly assured – not only that am I doing the right thing, but that I CAN get through this with His help.
I am learning to trust HIM (Isaiah 26:3 and Proverbs 3:5-6). I am learning to give thanks, EVEN in my struggles (Philippians 4:6). And I am learning to follow Him (John 21:22). And if you go through these verses and actually read what they say, the conclusion to doing all of these things – trusting, thankfulness, and following – is PEACE and DIRECTION.
Pretty awesome, huh?
“Now to Him who is ABLE to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us.” ~Ephesians 3:20
Marissa,
Do you have a team of praying people standing in the gap for you as a prayer team? I ask not only as I know you’re taking on victory in this situation, but it’s my heart that all Christians would be covered in prayer.
I have a team that covers me as a wife, mom, writer and all around Christian and I know their prayers do more than I’ll ever know this side of heaven.
It doesn’t need to be anything fancy and if you want the guidelines I use, I can give you a link to a site I submitted an article on about getting covered.
If you have a team, don’t be afraid to share with them very specific requests and ask them for their accountability on terms that are comfortable and realistic for you.
You go, girl. Praying.
Blessings,
Julie
Julie, I don’t have a “set” prayer team, although I do have friends and family praying for me. Thats definitely a good idea though!
I’m definitely interested in seeing the link that has guidelines. Do you mind sharing that with me?
Thanks for your encouragement to do this!
Beautifully written.
I love your honesty here. No pretending.
Here’s another verse for you:
Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. (Hebrews 12:1-2)
Lay aside
Run, looking
Transparency. Good stuff.
peace,
Donna
I so love your openness and honesty. One day at a time, Marissa. Moment by moment. Your hand in His. Press on for the prize.
Marissa,
I once read, “If you’re coasting in life you’re probably going down hill.”
I know that the climb seems so high right now, but keep inhaling and exhaling. I have no doubt you’re going to reach the top!
Psalm 121
Brad, I LOVE that quote. Definitely relevant to the who inhaling and exhaling thing. Thanks for sharing it with me and encouraging me!
The battle that you are fighting with smoking will give you strength in future battles. You are learning how to overcome (check out Revelation 2 and 3 to grasp the benefits of overcoming) and as you look back, you will continue to be blessed with God’s faithfulness.
Just a couple of hints from my own battles. Don’t be afraid to yell at God–He can take it! Just knowing that God listens to me and that He has the help I need gives me the strength to continue on. Also, always, always push into being true with yourself and with God. If we don’t face the destructive things we think, say, and do, we will never be able to overcome.
Be strong in the Lord and be of good cheer!
Patricia,
I love it. I am a big advocator of being real with God. I think so many Christian today sugar coat their struggles and how they’re dealing with them. I’ve definitely had those prayers where I’m yelling at God and then I end up crying asking for forgiveness. But the truth is, God is a HUGE God, and can handle me and my yelling! I think we have to get real, honest, and vulnerable, with ourselves and with Him, in order to make any real change. Thanks for encouraging me to be honest with Him!
P.S. I just had a thought. Are you going to buy some candy cigarettes to help get you through? LOL! I bought some for my mom a few years ago. She has no interest in quitting, though, which is too bad because her health is just awful. But she does enjoy taking the candy along when she goes to the hospital, whipping one out on the stretcher on the way to the O.R. or someplace where oxygen is in use. She and my dad love to freak the staff out!
Haha! That is hilarious Sandra. I love it. Thats actually really smart. I might just have to try that!
Hang in there, Marissa.
I’ve recently begun flirting with the idea of quitting. It’s just such a hard thought–especially when I don’t feel addicted. I’ve been able to go a couple days without one, so I convince myself that I don’t have a physiological addiction to nicotine, but I’m just never sure.
So that’s where it kills me. I say “I don’t NEED a cigarette, I WANT one…really badly.” So, essentially, I’m never sure whether or not I’m lying to myself.
But that’s just my own personal struggle. I’ll be praying for you, friend.
Logan, I can completely relate. For a LONG time I told myself I wasn’t addicted, because I wasn’t ready to face the fact that I really was. I think that there is a lot to be said for getting honest with yourself and others.
You can read my past entry about why I smoke and why I’m quitting. http://marissahyatt.wordpress.com/2010/02/25/my-reasons-for-smoking-and-quitting/
For me it became about transparency. I want to be the same person all the time, no matter where I am, and whom I’m with. It got to the point where I was two separate people. I had my smoking life and my non-smoking life. But the truth is, they eventually collided. And my smoking self won.
I’ve said this many times through my blogs about smoking, but the first step to quitting is acknowledging you have a problem. Until then, you’re not ready to quit.
Thanks for you prayers, and I will praying for YOU. Hopefully you’ll get some clarity into what kind of smoker you are and then go from there. Best of luck to you! And if you ever need encouragement or would like to have a conversation about it, I’m always here.
Hang in there, Ris. So proud of you!
You know what is so precious to me Marissa? That God is ministering to you and through you already!
Sweet Sweet Sweet
Praying sis and again encouraging you that I’ve been there and there is divine victory! The INHALE/ EXHALE part is just divine! Oh how He loves you and I.
Thanks so much for your constant support! I know that I CAN overcome this battle. And that these moments of angry and frustration are fleeting! Thanks!
i laughed out loud at the conversation with yourself. im proud of you and i will see you at the new location (sidewalk) tomorrow!
Thanks so much Bonnie for supporting me!
Marissa, I saw the link on your mom’s FB post. This is beautifully written and insightful. (I think the Angelic Voice has the best argument.) May God strengthen you today.
How the heck did I miss this post?! I think this is my favorite so far. Girl, you can write. Maybe I am a little bit prejudice, but I assess writers for a living! Wow.
Keep it up. Mom and I have our pom-poms out and are routing for you!