
I’ve been wondering what will happen to a human if they go long enough without talking about something; what will come out when they are letting nothing out. Through my own personal research I have discovered that what will come out is: anger, resentment, bitterness, sadness, loneliness, and frustration…just to name a few.
Over the past several months I have developed the habit of ‘bottling it all up’. Before this I have been known to let too much out-opening up too much of myself. But here lately, I keep it all in. Even though on the surface I do talk to my close friends about what has been going on in my life, I don’t open up about what is truly going on. I tell them the events, the feelings at the time, and sometimes talk about how I feel about it now. But I never go deep. I never talk about WHY I am feeling that or where that feeling comes from.
Most of us feel a certain way currently because it directly connects us to a feeling/event that happened in the past. We deal with today, based on the past events of our life. This is why many psychologists ask us to look into our pasts and deal with that before we deal with the present. It all directly links together.
I’ve realized how much over the past several months that I haven’t talked about. I take all the issues that I am ‘dealing’ with and push them to the back. When I feel as though I’m about to break down or when I feel like things are going to come up and start boiling over, I push it aside. I tell myself that I’ll deal with it later. But after many months of doing this and not truly ever dealing with it I feel as if I’m about to explode. Almost anything right now will either (A) set me off or (B) make me cry.
Looking back just to the month of March, I was sitting in my guidance counselor/mentor’s office talking with her about what I was currently dealing with and she was telling me that I let my emotions drive too much of my decision making and my life. So in return, I took that to the other extreme…not letting myself feel. I thought the solution to not feeling everything, was not feeling anything. So rather than to let myself process things in a healthy way, I took everything that came my way and threw it into a box and put in storage. The result? An overflowing storage unit…and the man I rent the storage unit from is telling me that my rent is late and that I have to evacuate. I have to take all those boxes that have been in storage for so many months, and unpack them; sort through what is really important and what is not so important. I have to decide what things I am willing to put inside my house and what things I have to deal with and through in the dumpster.
But when you are looking at a storage unit that is packed as tightly as mine, its kind of hard to figure out a place to start. It looks like once I open ALL of those boxes I am going to be left with a HUGE pile of crap that is messy and ugly. And then I have to dive into that and throw most of it out.
Why is it so hard to sort through our baggage? Why is it so terrifying to know that we are about to unload a bunch of crap? Why do we feel so clueless on where to start? Why does it seem exhausting? My only answer to this is because its scary. Right now I have to throw all the stuff out of those boxes into a big pile (and here’s the worst part), flip on a light and see what I’m left with. Right now its in the dark, its in nice little brown boxes..but once that stuff is out of those boxes and the light comes on, I actually have to look at what is there. And not only that. I have to then, sort through it all, piece by piece. I have to look at each and every event and feeling and deal with it, face to face.
But I have to trust that that light will shine through it all; that it will shine from the beginning of the process to the end. That when I am dunking my head into one of those boxes and its getting dark…the light will shine there. That when I come out of that box and then look at the 100 more I have to go through, the light will shine inside all of those boxes. I have to trust that no matter what kind of box I go through and no matter how deep and dark that box may be, the light will surely shine there too. This is the truth. That wherever there is dark, once a light is shown upon it, the dark suddenly becomes light. I know this to be true.
“The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it”
-John 1:5
“Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will
quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory
of the LORD will be your rear guard.”
-Isaiah 58:8
“When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the
world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the
light of life.”"
-John 8:12
“For it is light that makes everything visible. This is why it is said:
“Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.”
- Ephesians 5:14
“For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his
light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the
glory of God in the face of Christ.”
-2 Corinthians 4:6
This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you:
God is light; in him there is no darkness at all.
-1 John 1:5
The LORD is my light and my salvation– whom shall I fear? The
LORD is the stronghold of my life–of whom shall I be afraid?
-Psalm 27:1